Officer Efficiency and Fitness

(page last updated 30/08/98).

Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report)

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
• So dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.