Womens English

(page last updated 30/08/98).

• Yes = No
• No = Yes
• Maybe = No
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• We need = I want
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk = I need to complain.
• Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
• How much do you love me? = I did something you're really not going to like.
• I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
• Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
• Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
• Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he falls asleep.
• I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is important.
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = My PMS is acting up.
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.

Men's English:

• I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
• I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
• I'm tired = I'm tired.
• Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
• Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
• You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
• What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
• What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
• What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
• I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?
• I love you. = Let's have sex now.
• I love you, too. = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
• Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.
• Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
• Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
• Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
• (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin'dress and let's go home!
• I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.