Signs for the English

(page last updated 14/12/98).

In a Rome laundry: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."

In a Japanese hotel: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR LADIES WITH NUTS." In a Belgrade hotel: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

Outside a Paris shop: "DRESSES FOR STREET WALKING." Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In the office of a Roman doctor: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from the monastary: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETARY WHERE RUSSIAN COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO RUSSIA, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT."

On the menu of a Polish hotel: "SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE: LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN UP IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: "COOLS AND HEATS: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION WARM IN YOUR ROOM PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF."

In a Budapest zoo: "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. RUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOTTLE HIM WITH VIGOR."

In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY--NO ICE CREAM."

From the Soviet weekly: "THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 150 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

In an Acapulco hotel: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL WATER SERVED HERE."